Good Morning Vietnam!

Or, more accurately, good night friends! Before I officially say good night though, I need to get a decent post in. It's been AGES! I know how boring it is to listen to other people talk about their work, so I'll spare you all, but just know that that is what has kept me away. It's gotten really busy, and we have new people onboard so there's been a lot of training going on. Not fun, but apparently time flies regardless. I've missed this though!

A recap is completely out of the question, but he's what's been going on the last couple of days.

Help! My doll's fallen and she can't get up!

My niece, the beautiful Miss F., will be turning 7 this month, and she's gotten wise in her old age. Instead of waiting until her birthday to see what fate will bring her, she dictated a list of things she wants, all of them American Girl doll accessories and outfits. Things like Swim and Surf Outfit, Wilderness Outfit and Baby Carrier are on this list. And then, there's the black sheep of the list - a wheel chair. Girl wants a wheel chair for her dolls! Seriously! Lately it's like an episode of 'Kids Say The Darndest Things' with Miss F. During a recent conversation she told me that when her cat Flip dies she wants Uncle Eric to put him on the wall like the deer and bear in his bedroom. How flippin' cute is that?! Disturbing, of course, but really freaking adorable too!

I literally never thought I'd say this, but...

Alcohol and chocolate DON'T always work. Recently I was offered a cordial truffle, which apparently are illegal in the United States. When I heard this I thought, great, there's the U.S Government screwing things up again, but they were right. Really gross! I popped one in my mouth without hesitation, because, hello! Ying, meet my yang! Big mistake. Seriously. It was so over-poweringly alcohol. A shot of vodka may have less alcohol in it than these truffles. And it wasn't a good alcohol taste. It was like a sterilizing alcohol wipe was balled up and coated in dark chocolate. Blech!


I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.

I'm in love!

With the fall - gotcha! This is my absolute favorite time of year. Apple picking, mums, bales of hay, corn stalks and pumpkins - I'm seriously in heaven until November! Every year I hope and pray that we won't have an indian summer, and this year at least my wish is coming true. The leaves are starting to turn, the nights are getting cooler and we've even got a hurricane coming. If you could see me right now, you'd know that I'm squealing like Carrie Bradshaw. Ahh!

The AFI Top 100

Okay, before I search out the covers of my bed, it's worth mentioning the mission that MNM and I have undertaken. The goal is to see every movie on the AFI Top 100 list of the greatest movies. So far, I've seen 19 of them (but between you and me, I should probably rewatch a couple of them because it's been many, many years). This week I'll be watching The Philadelphia Story and Bringing Up Baby. Katherine Hepburn - seriously can't wait! I recently watched a self-narrated documentary on her. What a life! Everyone talks about her affair with Howard Hughes, but she barely touched on him in film. Her real love was Spencer Tracy, and to hear her reflect on their life together... it makes you believe in true love. Something to look forward to in the future!

I Don't Get Any Of It..

You'll have to forgive me - lately I can't seem to keep a topic in my head long enough to write about it. I'm not sure what is wrong with me (insert opinion here) but my short term memory is operating at about 30% right now. Luckily enough for you though, I had a post it handy this week.

Littering - Common Sense - Are you married?

These are the words written on my pink heart-shaped post it. Now, I'd better write about them before I forget.

Littering.

Is it possible that people are still littering in this day and age? Apparently yes, because while looking for a parking spot at the movie theater this week a snotty teenage girl blatantly littered while walking past my car. Seriously? You can't keep your candy wrapper in your hand for the one minute it would take to get to the trash can on the side walk?

Seeing this, I of course motioned to her with a disgusted look on my face and pointed at the ground, mouthing the words "I think you dropped something" from behind my car window. I wish I were fast enough to get the window down before she passed me, otherwise I would have screamed it at her. And her response? She just laughed and kept walking. I don't get it. I know that most people don't want to actively go out of their way to help the planet, but this wasn't even out of her way! She literally walked right by a trash can!

This is when I think corporal punishment on other people's kids should be allowed. And the parents should be next in line. What kind of person doesn't teach their kids that littering is wrong?! If I had it my way, teenagers would have to do 10 hours of community service picking up trash before they could get their license. Seriously.

Common Sense.

Okay, so I'm not going to get too hypocritical here, because I know I am guilty of a lack of common sense quite frequently, but seriously... have some common sense people! Don't hand me a cup of coffee that looks like it's been through military boot camp, covered in coffee grounds and dripping down the sides. Especially when I'm in my clean car and wearing white. 5 seconds is all it takes to wipe it down. I know, because I have to do it for you - the person that gets paid to do it - way more often than I should. Common Sense. Customer Service. A coincidence that they are both CS? I think not!

Are You Married?

I end my week in review with this little nugget. Ladies - have you ever been in a situation where you meet someone new, or even someone you know but haven't seen in a while, and they ask 'So, are you married? Have kids?'

It's never a fun sequence of sentences. Are you married? POW. Do you have kids? WHAM. There goes your ego, broken and rapidly deflating. The worst sentence, though, doesn't arrive until after you've answered 'No, I'm not', and 'Nope, no kids'.

'You're lucky.'

'Smart girl.'

'Well, good for you!'

Probably the most offensive things you could say to a single girl. Seriously. Why do people feel the need to validate a 'life choice' that you didn't actually choose? I'm single and childless. Not because I choose to be. I haven't turned down any proposals, or taken any morning after pills. I'm not making excuses for my status so please, don't do it for me. We both know my level of intelligence has nothing to do with the fact. I'm not counting my blessings, thankful every morning I wake up without a husband next to me. So let's stop pretending, m'kay? Seriously, when I say I'm not married, just move on. No need to congratulate me. Because I swear, the next time you do I may just burst into tears on the spot.

Now, where was I?

Man, it's been a while! I can't believe how insanely busy the last couple of weeks have been. Rather than try to detail everything that happened, here's a few highlights.

1. Road Trip To Vermont - just for the hell of it. I stayed at a new hostel in Burlington, which was surprisingly well situated right on Lake Champlain. There was a folk festival in town, so I got to see the craziness that is contra dancing. Think Jane Austen-era ball meets Pauly Shore square dancing in 'Son in Law'. It was awesome! I'd never be caught dead doing it of course, but it made for some entertaining inner dialogue as I walked along the water. Speaking of the water, Lake Champlain is beautiful! A must see if you are ever in Burlington, VT. Seriously. Just make sure you mentally prepare for any trip to Vermont - you WILL leave there ready to marry a mountain man and trade in your Manolo's for Merrill's. One last thing to note about Vermont - Subaru!

2. Nothing's Quiet on The Working Front - In what I can only call a stroke of poetic justice, a former salesperson from the company has started his own competing company. And my boss found out about it in an email mistakenly sent to him by said former salesman. Love it! Philip Seymour Hoffman is obsessed with crushing him now, of course, which makes it all the more difficult for the rest of us. The work amount is increasing, hours are longer, and PSH has no idea what he's doing. Hiring operational help? Focusing on Business A? Business B? Or, Business C? Some things never change.

3. Steig Larsson Was a Genius - I just finished 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo'. Seriously good book. Good to the point that I was up until 6am this morning reading it because I couldn't put it down! I resisted joining the band wagon on this book initially, but then I started to read about the casting for the movie version. I am a big read it before seeing it proponent. The deciding factor was the book jacket, which tells the story about the author. Steig Larsson died shortly after handing over the manuscripts to his publisher. How tragic is that? A New York Times best selling author, and he never got to enjoy it. It is so much more than a mystery novel. The characters are so well written, you can see the plot unfolding and Larsson really takes you into the mind of the characters. You get over the Swedish references really quickly too, which is nice for a white bread American girl like myself. Can't wait to start book 2, 'The Girl Who Played With Fire'.

4. The Highlight of The Week - Watching 'Cop Out' with Mom and Dad. It's not often that my Mom can sit through a movie, so it's always a treat when we can actually all just sit and relax as a family. The best part though is my parents laughter. My Dad breaks into fits of laughter pretty easily. All it takes is an episode of 'Wipe Out' and the man is practically on the floor. My Mom doesn't break that easily though, so it's especially entertaining when she does. When the two of them laugh together, it's infectious! And 'Cop Out' brought out the laughter in everyone. I remember being in stitches watching this movie in the theaters, and the second time around was no exception. If you haven't seen it, correct that problem! And if you can, see it with my parents - it's seriously hysterical!

Holy Cows

Do you ever feel like someone out there is trying to tell you something? Be it God, Alah, The Divine Goddess, or just the Universe, do you ever feel like one or all of them is subtly (or sometimes not so subtly) trying to get a point across?

This is something that I've been living and thinking about for years. I can't tell you when I first experienced a well-timed message, but I do remember when I first realized that maybe there was more at play than just sheer coincidence. It was almost 10 years ago, after my grandmother passed away, and I started to notice that when I would think about her, I would hear a certain song on the radio. I know what you're thinking - songs get played in heavy rotation on the radio, so that's nothing strange. But this wasn't just any song, it was 'What a Wonderful World' by Louis Armstrong, a song from 1968. When was the last time you heard 'What a Wonderful World' on the radio? This quiet reassurance still happens from time to time, and the messages haven't stopped there.

Most recently there was the gollywobbler message. Intrigued? This was a strange message, to be sure. My Mom and I were heading to the Honda dealership in Natick, and our conversation led us to a former customer of hers at the marina. He passed away a few years ago, but during our conversation my Mom mentioned that years ago he had had a boat named 'The Gollywobbler' docked at the marina. That same morning I read a Thrillist: Boston daily email (the same Thrillist: Boston email that I usually delete before reading) about the new Sea Dog brew pub in Hull, that serves Old Gollywobbler Brown beer. Gollywobbler. Sometimes when you think you have nothing in common, along comes a word like Gollywobbler to remind you that you really are two of a kind.

Admittedly, not all the messages are good. One of my most recent messages was more of a rude awakening than happy coincidence. In June I was in a car accident that I was very lucky to walk away from. I fell asleep driving on a road I drive almost every day. The accident site itself is practically in my back yard. Today when I drive by the spot it's hard to tell there was an accident there, but a few days after the accident that wasn't the case. The guardrail was visibly scuffed, and the road showed tire marks from my sudden braking. My Mom and I were driving home from work, down that road and we slowed to look at the accident spot. It was the first time I had been by there since the night of the accident. We saw the shoe that was flown from my trunk upon impact, the marked up road, and the general debris that any accident leaves behind. And then we saw the license plate of the car in front of us. SRVIVR. Seeing that license plate made me sick to my stomach. All I could think was, message received. Loud and clear. Yes, it's easy enough to say that was a coincidence, but every other 'coincidence' I've experienced tells me otherwise.

They haven't all been other worldy or ominous. In fact, today I was thinking about one message that made me laugh more than any other. Oreo Cows. The name oreo cows is a Jill Sandy moniker, and I had never heard about them until Vermont. In the fall of 2009, Jill and I took a road trip to Vermont just for heck of it. We only had a few hours to take everything in, so we decided to deliberately get lost in the countryside. We drove down roads that I thought for sure would swallow my car whole, but we managed to get down every one of them. Road trips are great for story telling, so Jill was telling me about her last trip to Texas and seeing what she called Oreo Cows, aka Belted Galloways, and her cowboy friend's disgust at her choice in nick name for them. So we're driving and laughing at her redneck faux pas, when we turn and see none other than a pasture of Oreo Cows. In all my life I'd never seen one, real or virtual. And then, as if we'd conjured them up, there was a whole field full of them. Again, message received, loud and clear. We were meant to be friends, in that car, driving down that road, talking about Oreo Cows.

That's what is so great about the messages in my life. They confirm the existence of 'meant to be'. Whether it's a connection to my past, a life lesson that I have to learn, or proof that I am meant to have these people in my life, every one of the messages teaches me something, and reminds me that I'm not alone. That there really are people looking out for me, whether I'm aware of it or not. Seriously.

Secret Life of American Trash

Ok have any of you seen 'Secret Life of the American Teenager'?

What. The. Fug.

I can't help but wonder if this show is one giant mockumentary. I mean, when the show is all said and done, are they going to be like - Psyche! Just kidding! I haven't been a big follower of this show, for many reasons, but I decided to watch a few minutes of it tonight. Now, the last time I tuned in, one teenage girl had a baby with one guy, but she was dating a different guy, and her mom was separated from her dad but having a baby with a different guy, maybe, and everyone else was busy trying to have sex. Tonight I turn the show on, and now another teenage girl is pregnant, by the boyfriend of the girl with the baby... and everyone else is still trying to have sex. Did I mention this airs on ABC Family? Seriously.

This show makes me blush and roll my eyes at the same time. I don't understand the logic behind creating a show this in your face provocative that targets teenagers. I'm not a prude, but these kids are talking raunch every other sentence and basically molesting each other left and right. Plus, add in the unlucky offspring of these teens, and this show is way past watchable. Are there really parents out there that let their kids watch this? Seriously? If so, epic fail.

I gave it a chance because - hello - Molly Ringwald is in it! But this is so far from a John Hughes experience. The Breakfast Club was edgy, but compared to this show it's an episode of Barney.

Wasted Weekend

Happy Monday Everyone!

I know, I know... I'm not usually the first person to characterize any workday as 'happy', but it was quite the crappy weekend, so I'm glad to be moving on from it.

Saturday was spent with an awful migraine and the accompanying nausea that only I seem to get. Add to that an annoying lecture from grandmother for leaving my flip flops in the hall, and I was really not loving my life on Saturday. Seriously.

Sunday was a better day. Slight headache still, but I was able to function without getting sick, which was a relief. Later in the afternoon we all headed to my Aunt Karen's house to hang poolside and cook out.

It was a full house there, including Aunt Karen's in-laws. We're all relaxing and enjoying the company, when Helma, my Aunt's sister-in-law, mentions that she works for a card company. She then tells everyone to remember that fact when we need thank you cards or wedding invitations, because she gets a good discount. My brother Matt's girlfriend Angela is sitting next to me when she says this, so my Mom tells Angela to remember that for the future. Angela then says 'Yeah Kristin, remember that when you need wedding invitations!'. Without missing a beat Helma follows up with 'I'll be dead by the time she needs wedding invitations.'

I'm sorry? Seriously? Is this an episode of Golden Girls? Did I really just get burned by a 70 year old lady? You, my friend, are no Betty White. Step off!

Yum!

Fall is coming, and for me, professionally, that means the return of the weekly chocolate workshop is also on its way. Amazingly, my boss and I are on the same page and being proactive in preparing for its return. Meetings have been scheduled, survey results have been analyzed, and we're actively trying to make this event more of a well-oiled machine, per se.

The first of the meetings was scheduled for today. Our two chocolatiers, myself and my boss all met to discuss how to initiate the evolution. My boss and I work out of different locations, so I left to meet everyone at his office. This being a story about me and my day, it will come as no surprise to everyone that as soon as I arrived at his office I realized that I left some important printouts on my desk, back at my office. Our offices are only 5 minutes from each other, so I decided it was worth turning around to get them, ultimately making me late to the meeting.

I rushed into the meeting, only 15 minutes late - which, let's be honest, is pretty good for me - and instead of hearing animated dicussion on survey results like I expected, they're talking about bacteria. More specifically, they're talking about bacteria found in infected piercings. Seriously. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Captain Obnoxious (my boss and my least favorite of our chocolatiers) are sitting there acting like middle school drop-outs, while our one refined and classy chocolatier is sitting there, legs crossed, lips pursed, hating her life and everyone in the room.

Way to legitimize your start up, bossman. Because your wardrobe courtesy of 'Life is Good' and duplex residential/commercial office set up (complete with sink full of dirty dishes and a litter box for your dog) aren't enough of a telltale sign that we're running a top notch joint here.

Seriously!

Midgets, Scotsmen and Manholes, Oh My!

So yesterday was an interesting day.

I work with two other women, one of which is currently on crutches. She and I share errand running duties most days, so since she is still on the mend, I ran to pick up lunch yesterday.

*Aside - not a fan of The Half Way Cafe. The name says it all.

We had called the order in, and upon arrival, they tell me that they are out of clam strips, which is what one of the girls ordered. Seriously? You couldn't call us to tell us this ahead of time? So I call the office, find out her back up option, and they tell me it will be 10 minutes. So now the other food is getting soggier (not just soggy - soggier - because it was gross from the start) while I wait for the new order.

I decided to make the most of the down time and opened up the newspaper that was sitting on the bar. The news is pretty grim. $500,000 spent on road signs in Massachusetts. And then - gloriousness! Four pages in this is what I see:

Stoughton Police Officer Skips Beat To See Dwarf Porn Star

Wait, what? Seriously?!!

Okay, so for months I have been driving by this "Gentlemen's" club and seeing their advertisements for a special appearance by Bridget the Midget, XXX porn star. Every day on my way to work, there it is. Bridget the Midget, Bridget the Midget, Bridget the Midget! And that by itself has been entertainment enough, but this article was a figurative jackpot for me! And I quote:

"A part of me wants to say, 'Where was the news when I pulled someone out of a burning car last year?' "

Was the midget porn star on fire? Is that why you left your post protecting the folks that pay your salary? Or, was it your pants that were on fire? Is that why you needed a lap dance? Seriously? Seriously. Wicked smaahht. That'll be a lucky lady that nabs you big boy.

And for the rest of us girls, the good times are sure to continue. Bridget the Midget will be back for a return engagement in Stoughton at the end of August. Can't wait to see what headlines that brings!


Football at Fenway was last night! Scotland vs. Portugal. I've never seen so many redheads in one place, I LOVED it! Sitting behind us was an import with the best Scottish brogue I've heard in a long time. Definitely almost burst into tears from missing Jill Sandy.

And then it happened. 'Sarah will you marry me?' on the jumbo tron. Sarah was sitting a few rows from us. And I'll admit it - I said 'Aww' with the rest of the crowd. And then I saw Mr. Sarah and wanted to scream to her 'say no!'. Mr. Sarah was hairy. Really hairy. Hairy like 'Harry and the Hendersons' hairy. Poor girl. She's going to be spending a lot of time with her vaccuum after the "I Do's". I hope she at least thinks to register for a Dyson. And lint rollers.


The ride home from Fenway was also a treat. This is Boston, so of course every road surface is torn apart. The stop and go can be a bit annoying, so to make us Massholes giggle the Commonwealth is good enough to put up hilarious signs to entertain us along the way. For example, 'Caution: Raised Manholes'. Seriously?!!! I'm supposed to keep a straight face after seeing that sign? It's like they've hired Chelsea Handler to keep us safe. I highly approve! More signs like that and I'll pay my taxes on time next year.

It starts.

Welcome to Seriously? Seriously. - !

This little bit of heaven is my day-to-day take on the crazy, absurd and just plain ridiculousness of the reality that is my life. You'll laugh, you'll cry (well, at least I'll be crying...), and you'll definitely find yourself saying 'Seriously?'. Seriously.

Let the blogging begin. (dun dun DUN!)