Midgets, Scotsmen and Manholes, Oh My!

So yesterday was an interesting day.

I work with two other women, one of which is currently on crutches. She and I share errand running duties most days, so since she is still on the mend, I ran to pick up lunch yesterday.

*Aside - not a fan of The Half Way Cafe. The name says it all.

We had called the order in, and upon arrival, they tell me that they are out of clam strips, which is what one of the girls ordered. Seriously? You couldn't call us to tell us this ahead of time? So I call the office, find out her back up option, and they tell me it will be 10 minutes. So now the other food is getting soggier (not just soggy - soggier - because it was gross from the start) while I wait for the new order.

I decided to make the most of the down time and opened up the newspaper that was sitting on the bar. The news is pretty grim. $500,000 spent on road signs in Massachusetts. And then - gloriousness! Four pages in this is what I see:

Stoughton Police Officer Skips Beat To See Dwarf Porn Star

Wait, what? Seriously?!!

Okay, so for months I have been driving by this "Gentlemen's" club and seeing their advertisements for a special appearance by Bridget the Midget, XXX porn star. Every day on my way to work, there it is. Bridget the Midget, Bridget the Midget, Bridget the Midget! And that by itself has been entertainment enough, but this article was a figurative jackpot for me! And I quote:

"A part of me wants to say, 'Where was the news when I pulled someone out of a burning car last year?' "

Was the midget porn star on fire? Is that why you left your post protecting the folks that pay your salary? Or, was it your pants that were on fire? Is that why you needed a lap dance? Seriously? Seriously. Wicked smaahht. That'll be a lucky lady that nabs you big boy.

And for the rest of us girls, the good times are sure to continue. Bridget the Midget will be back for a return engagement in Stoughton at the end of August. Can't wait to see what headlines that brings!


Football at Fenway was last night! Scotland vs. Portugal. I've never seen so many redheads in one place, I LOVED it! Sitting behind us was an import with the best Scottish brogue I've heard in a long time. Definitely almost burst into tears from missing Jill Sandy.

And then it happened. 'Sarah will you marry me?' on the jumbo tron. Sarah was sitting a few rows from us. And I'll admit it - I said 'Aww' with the rest of the crowd. And then I saw Mr. Sarah and wanted to scream to her 'say no!'. Mr. Sarah was hairy. Really hairy. Hairy like 'Harry and the Hendersons' hairy. Poor girl. She's going to be spending a lot of time with her vaccuum after the "I Do's". I hope she at least thinks to register for a Dyson. And lint rollers.


The ride home from Fenway was also a treat. This is Boston, so of course every road surface is torn apart. The stop and go can be a bit annoying, so to make us Massholes giggle the Commonwealth is good enough to put up hilarious signs to entertain us along the way. For example, 'Caution: Raised Manholes'. Seriously?!!! I'm supposed to keep a straight face after seeing that sign? It's like they've hired Chelsea Handler to keep us safe. I highly approve! More signs like that and I'll pay my taxes on time next year.