It's Settled.

So I've been thinking about expectations a lot lately. Specifically, how great expectations become, well... low expectations. Growing up I always thought greatness was in store for me. The adults in my life always said how smart I was. My report cards were ooh'd and aah'd over every year. I expected to grow up, attend a great college, meet a great guy, have a big family and a career I loved. Flash forward 20 years, and those expectations have almost completely disappeared. Now I expect to oversleep in the morning. I expect to struggle to pay my bills every month. And I expect to be generally disappointed in life.

I think about it and wonder when my idea of the future changed. I don't really know, but I think I'm my own worst enemy in a way. I'm not a type A personality. I'm a settler. I don't have any fight in me.

Talking with the girls in my office the other day about our personalities, one of them said 'I'll be your worst nightmare if you cross me'. I couldn't help but think, I wish I were someone's worst nightmare. I don't think a single person is afraid of me. I'm not looking to be Anna Wintour or anything, but I do wish I had more of a backbone. I can fake one over email, but I'm a stutterer in person. If confronted it takes me ages to find my words, and by then it's usually too late. No one takes me seriously, and to be honest, I don't blame them. I don't take me seriously either.

I look at my career and it makes me sad. I am the least successful person in my group of friends in terms of salary and title. It's a great divide really, with them on one side of the span, and me tens of thousands of dollars away on the other side. I work so hard every day, giving it my all to the point of physical injury but it doesn't translate on paper. I missed the road signs on the path to success. It's been too long since I worked in the marketing industry to again pursue that path. I'm talented at my current job, but how do I turn it into a career? God I wish I had the answers.

I write this because it's been on my mind, is always on my mind really, but also because I intend to change what I can. I'm no longer settling for what comes my way. I know it's a confidence thing, so I'll waiver day to day, but I'm going to be more demanding with life. I'm sick of having hopes for other people instead of myself. It's time to actually want something for myself. Other people may have stopped having great expectations for my life but it's time I stopped being one of them. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own bloody life after all, right?

This Week in Bi-Winning

A big thanks to Charlie Sheen for keeping me entertained over these busy couple of weeks, and a bigger thanks to Jimmy Fallon, who found new and interesting ways to make Charlie entertaining.











Just when I think I can't possibly love Jimmy Fallon any more than I already do, he goes and proves me wrong through sheer adorability (yes, I made that word up) and unjaded (yep, did it again) humor. If you're not DVR-ing Late Night with Jimmy Fallon you're seriously missing out. This week alone brought the above clips, as well as a mustachioed Miley Cyrus, Mike Tyson being HILARIOUS, Abigail Breslin impersonating The Situation, Ben & Jerry from Ben & Jerry's announcing a new ice cream flavor in honor of the show's 2nd anniversary called 'Late Night Snack' (which sounds AMAZING, seriously!), and many, many others.

Moral of the story - DVR it. Now! But remember - you're not allowed to have more love for him than me. He's officially my crush, so hands off!

Isn't It Strange?

Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything was off, but not in an obvious way? That is exactly how this week has been for me. Everything looks the same, but I feel like the world has gone mad and I'm the only one that has not jumped off the deep end with it. Let me break it down for you.


ClosureVille on Facebook

"you like neil gaiman!? no effin way? lol i read american gods a while back and it blew my mind. im starting anasi boys i think its called. idk. hard to start but im workin on it. huh. sorry i used to pick on you, you grew up to be pretty cool."

This is the message that I received this week from a guy that I went to junior high with. Seriously. Unprompted, unexpected, and unbelievably typical of my life. The funny thing is I barely remember junior high, and what I do remember does not include being bullied. So now I'm dying to know what this kid said and/or did to me 13 years ago, but if I ask I totally lose all cool points this guy thinks I've developed over the years. Tricky, very tricky. I try to remember the Hanson years, but there weren't a lot of high points back then. I was the new kid, and just as I was starting to solidify some good friendships we moved back to the Boro, so not much sticks out from age 12-ish to 14-ish. I know he meant well in apologizing, and it's nice to know that there are some other Neil fans out there, but seriously - what the hell?!

This same day I dropped my lunch on the ground before I could have a bite AND was tongue-tied all day. It was a really strange day.


Do You Understand The Words That Are Coming Out Of My Mouth?

I won't go into much detail on this one but I will say that it amazes me how people from the same environment can have such differing opinions on raising children. If I say apple, the other says orange. We see things very differently, and I'm sorry, but my way happens to be the right way in regards to our current disagreement. I'm glad I don't see the logic in the other side, but I really, really don't understand why they can't understand my reasoning. Yes, I realize there is some unfairness there, but we're not disagreeing on what kind of car to drive. We're disagreeing on how to raise a child. There's no half-assing that, and it seriously pisses me off that some people are okay doing that.


No New Is Good News, Right?

So, it's been almost a month since I interviewed at the well-known university. I haven't heard that I'm not hired, so that's good, but... I sent a follow up email and have not had a response. I'm not officially out of hope, but I'm getting close. Fingers crossed, but however it works out, it's woken up the desire for change in me. New clothes, new apartment, new atmosphere. Change is a-comin'.

Once the financial goal of debt reduction has been achieved, a new wardrobe is in order. I've found some really cute dresses online, and I need to figure out how to style myself beyond jeans and cute converse sneaks. There must be a way, right? I'm following lots of fashion blogs now, hoping they'll rub off on me. And if this job doesn't come through it's back to the job blogs. It's not the end of the world, but it would have been a nice change. Once a new job is in place, the apartment will soon follow. I need to have my own home. I wish I could jump right to home ownership, but until then I can live with a cozy (i.e. tiny) place of my own. I'll even go for a roommate if needed. I just need to be on my own, doing things my way and making the decisions. Change is a-comin'.

I'll keep you posted on how that goes...

Fear and Loathing in Lane Bryant

I hate shopping! It BLOWS! In college it was bearable. I had my friends with me, telling me the honest truth about the potential purchase I was trying on, but now I have no choice but to fly solo. And it sucks. Everything I try on looks awful. At least, I think it looks awful. I don't actually know because I don't have a second opinion. Everything is either too big in the bust (because I'm more like a pear than an hour glass), too tight (whoever told retailers that roly poly girls like myself look good in leggings LIED!), or is too short (officially only carrying tall sizes through the website? Seriously?! Eff you too!).

Today I ventured out looking for a job interview outfit. Ultimately I'm wearing a dress I already own. That's how well shopping went. The clothes available to plus sized girls are just not acceptable. You either look like you're trying too hard or like your mother. That's it. There's no in between in the options out there. Covered in sequins or wearing a moo moo. Hmmm.... decisions, decisions.

I know the limited decisions I have are of my own doing. I know that, and I have to live with that every day. I just wish shopping wasn't such a suicide inducing experience. Is it so much to ask for a little dignity? And now, on top of the emotional toll I have to pay in front of the mirror, I can't even try on pants without first buying them and then paying for them to be shipped to me! And then I get to pay for return shipping for the ones that don't fit, and believe me, thanks to inconsistent sizing, some won't fit.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant, but this is how my day has been. I'll take reading over shopping any day.

Damn You Idol!

Okay, this is just a quick post, but when did American Idol become more like Extreme Home Makeover?? I'm seriously crying!! They just showed the story of Chris Medina from Chicago, who is engaged to a beautiful girl that was in an accident two months before their wedding and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He's pursuing the competition because he wants to give her something to smile about, and he's not leaving her side because even though they didn't get to exchange vows, he's in it for better or worse, til death do them part, and she needs him now more than ever. Chris Medina, you are my hero and I have a bit of a crush on you right now.

Pass the tissues!

Remember Me?

Surprise!

Thought I forgot about you, huh? Well... you wouldn't be 100% wrong. It's funny how quickly time goes by if you let it. So... new year, new start?

Global warming is rearing it's ugly head a lot lately. It's been a really warm winter, filled with lots of snow, and it's only January. It's a natural oxymoron, but once you realize that warmer weather means more moisture in the atmosphere, it makes perfect sense. The earth is sick, and she's sneezing snow all over us. We've had almost 5 storms this month alone, and one more is on the horizon, bringing with it another 20". It's making life a little gray these days. And slippery. Seriously, I may have to invest in ice skates soon. I miss the days when snow storms meant no school and an afternoon of sledding with my Dad and brothers on the hill in front of our house. Now all they mean is getting up early to dig out my car and a commute that takes twice as long. What I wouldn't give for a time machine back to those days.

January also means awards season though, which is anything but gray! Gold and diamonds, beautiful gowns, and dashing men - yes, please! I love the idea of being picture perfect for an evening. I'll never be the woman that looks effortlessly elegant, but I would give anything to live a glamorous Hollywood red carpet experience once in my life, and actually live up to the beauty and elegance. What can I say, I have dress envy! In the real world, I wear jeans and cons 365 days a year, and would rather die than be the center of attention. In my fantasy life though, it's Narcisso Rodriguez (specifically Kate Winslet's SAG dress from 2009, but in crimson red) and Harry Winston, and I'm as cool under pressure as Sandra Bullock. I'm still trying to decide on a hairstyle though... This year's awards contenders are pretty intense. I'm worried about Natalie Portman though. Her speech at the Golden Globes.... really erratic! Seriously, she sounded like me.

My grandfather told me some stories recently about his days working with the carnival. I've always heard carnival stories, but it never clicked that my grandfather has played with some really cool animals. He's actually slept with a lion! Granted, it didn't have any teeth or claws but how many people can say that?! Lions, gorillas, tigers, elephant... he's played with them all. And as a result, my Dad spent his childhood playing with the animals in the shows. He and my uncles have wrestled with monkeys. Seriously! He never told me this! If I had wrestled with monkeys as a kid that would be the first story I told people. My grandmother, practical and no nonsense as she is, would go shopping at the department store for outfits for the chimps. It's inspired me to read Water for Elephants. I started reading it today, and was immediately sucked it. It's a great read so far, and the subject is so sentimental to me that I already know it will be a favorite.

Speaking of favorites, I stumbled across a new blog that I really like. It's such a simple concept - one great travel photo everyday. It's called Everything Everywhere, and the author has been traveling the globe since 2007, exploring and capturing everything for all of us to see. Check it out, even if for no other reason than to see some breath-taking photos. Personally, it's inspiring and helps me to remember the explorer in myself. There's seriously a whole lot of world out there, and I can't wait to get back out there.

Have a great weekend everyone! I'll post again soon, I promise!

Good Morning Vietnam!

Or, more accurately, good night friends! Before I officially say good night though, I need to get a decent post in. It's been AGES! I know how boring it is to listen to other people talk about their work, so I'll spare you all, but just know that that is what has kept me away. It's gotten really busy, and we have new people onboard so there's been a lot of training going on. Not fun, but apparently time flies regardless. I've missed this though!

A recap is completely out of the question, but he's what's been going on the last couple of days.

Help! My doll's fallen and she can't get up!

My niece, the beautiful Miss F., will be turning 7 this month, and she's gotten wise in her old age. Instead of waiting until her birthday to see what fate will bring her, she dictated a list of things she wants, all of them American Girl doll accessories and outfits. Things like Swim and Surf Outfit, Wilderness Outfit and Baby Carrier are on this list. And then, there's the black sheep of the list - a wheel chair. Girl wants a wheel chair for her dolls! Seriously! Lately it's like an episode of 'Kids Say The Darndest Things' with Miss F. During a recent conversation she told me that when her cat Flip dies she wants Uncle Eric to put him on the wall like the deer and bear in his bedroom. How flippin' cute is that?! Disturbing, of course, but really freaking adorable too!

I literally never thought I'd say this, but...

Alcohol and chocolate DON'T always work. Recently I was offered a cordial truffle, which apparently are illegal in the United States. When I heard this I thought, great, there's the U.S Government screwing things up again, but they were right. Really gross! I popped one in my mouth without hesitation, because, hello! Ying, meet my yang! Big mistake. Seriously. It was so over-poweringly alcohol. A shot of vodka may have less alcohol in it than these truffles. And it wasn't a good alcohol taste. It was like a sterilizing alcohol wipe was balled up and coated in dark chocolate. Blech!


I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.

I'm in love!

With the fall - gotcha! This is my absolute favorite time of year. Apple picking, mums, bales of hay, corn stalks and pumpkins - I'm seriously in heaven until November! Every year I hope and pray that we won't have an indian summer, and this year at least my wish is coming true. The leaves are starting to turn, the nights are getting cooler and we've even got a hurricane coming. If you could see me right now, you'd know that I'm squealing like Carrie Bradshaw. Ahh!

The AFI Top 100

Okay, before I search out the covers of my bed, it's worth mentioning the mission that MNM and I have undertaken. The goal is to see every movie on the AFI Top 100 list of the greatest movies. So far, I've seen 19 of them (but between you and me, I should probably rewatch a couple of them because it's been many, many years). This week I'll be watching The Philadelphia Story and Bringing Up Baby. Katherine Hepburn - seriously can't wait! I recently watched a self-narrated documentary on her. What a life! Everyone talks about her affair with Howard Hughes, but she barely touched on him in film. Her real love was Spencer Tracy, and to hear her reflect on their life together... it makes you believe in true love. Something to look forward to in the future!