It's Settled.

So I've been thinking about expectations a lot lately. Specifically, how great expectations become, well... low expectations. Growing up I always thought greatness was in store for me. The adults in my life always said how smart I was. My report cards were ooh'd and aah'd over every year. I expected to grow up, attend a great college, meet a great guy, have a big family and a career I loved. Flash forward 20 years, and those expectations have almost completely disappeared. Now I expect to oversleep in the morning. I expect to struggle to pay my bills every month. And I expect to be generally disappointed in life.

I think about it and wonder when my idea of the future changed. I don't really know, but I think I'm my own worst enemy in a way. I'm not a type A personality. I'm a settler. I don't have any fight in me.

Talking with the girls in my office the other day about our personalities, one of them said 'I'll be your worst nightmare if you cross me'. I couldn't help but think, I wish I were someone's worst nightmare. I don't think a single person is afraid of me. I'm not looking to be Anna Wintour or anything, but I do wish I had more of a backbone. I can fake one over email, but I'm a stutterer in person. If confronted it takes me ages to find my words, and by then it's usually too late. No one takes me seriously, and to be honest, I don't blame them. I don't take me seriously either.

I look at my career and it makes me sad. I am the least successful person in my group of friends in terms of salary and title. It's a great divide really, with them on one side of the span, and me tens of thousands of dollars away on the other side. I work so hard every day, giving it my all to the point of physical injury but it doesn't translate on paper. I missed the road signs on the path to success. It's been too long since I worked in the marketing industry to again pursue that path. I'm talented at my current job, but how do I turn it into a career? God I wish I had the answers.

I write this because it's been on my mind, is always on my mind really, but also because I intend to change what I can. I'm no longer settling for what comes my way. I know it's a confidence thing, so I'll waiver day to day, but I'm going to be more demanding with life. I'm sick of having hopes for other people instead of myself. It's time to actually want something for myself. Other people may have stopped having great expectations for my life but it's time I stopped being one of them. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own bloody life after all, right?